


whole days turn into holes in my mind

by requiemzoe



Series: ow ouch the hallucination fic [1]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Delusions, Eventual Smut, F/F, Hallucinations, Heavy Angst, Inspired by Fanfiction, Past Rape/Non-con, Stick with it, Suicide Attempt, Sweetwater River (Riverdale), Synesthesia, Weird Plot Shit, cheryl is homeschooled and 1x13 never happened, keller is cheryl's therapist, very long very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 02:52:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18274307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/requiemzoe/pseuds/requiemzoe
Summary: “cheryl... toni-““isn’t real. toni’s a hallucination. she’s a delusion. yeah, doctor. you keep saying that. everyone keeps saying that. but i know she’s real... and you’re not gonna change my mind.” she can practically hear toni telling her she was being too red-orange, too stubborn, too much like orange peels. she can’t bring herself to care.he looks at her for a second before laughing incredulously, shaking his head and scrubbing a hand over his face. “yeah, cheryl. i’m starting to see that.”





	whole days turn into holes in my mind

**Author's Note:**

> INSPIRED (and i cannot stress this enough) BY, based on, has some similarities to, the original synthesia/hallucination fic, stay in place (sing a chorus) by solochaos.
> 
> we’re back, bitches. don’t make me delete this a second time teehee

 

“there’s a cold front coming.”

“that’s good.” cheryl nods. “the weather recently is all... purple.”

“and orange. and the other one...”

“green?” cheryl suggests.

“yes.” toni nods, shaking a finger at her. “i keep forgetting that one.”

“but there’s a lot of things that are green.” cheryl reminds toni. the cloud of smoke that sat around jason when he smoked. math homework. puddles.

“not where i’m from. everything there is all blue-black.”

cheryl grimaces. “i can’t even imagine that.”

“don’t. don’t even try.” toni says firmly from her place on cheryl’s dresser, perched precariously on the edge. “you’re like a little bird.” cheryl observes. toni smiles at her, all sharp white teeth, a mouth full of switchblades.

somewhere in the distance, the distinct sound of penelope blossom’s heels _click click click_ across thistlehouse’s wooden floors. “sounds like how pez tastes.” she notes. toni nods in understanding as she crawls into cheryl’s closet in preparation. “make it quick, okay?” she mumbles, her voice loose gravel on a driveway.

cheryl hums as penelope walks in, wretched as ever. she doesn’t even greet cheryl, barges in her room with a “who are you talking to?”

“toni.” cheryl says blankly, picking at her quilt. she regrets it as soon as the words come out of her mouth. her mother scoffs. “cheryl, toni is a delusion. a hallucination, a manifestation of your deviance. she’s not real. if you keep mentioning her, i’ll have to take preventive measures.”

preventive measures. the thought sends chills through cheryl’s bones. she mumbles an “okay.”

penelope doesn’t skip a beat, just starts going through their plans for the week, droning on and on about relatives visiting. cheryl nods blindly, the words washing over her like water. “you have an appointment with doctor glass today. don’t forget.” _you'll drive yourself_ , is added nonverbally.

with that, she leaves the room. toni steps out of the closet cautiously, scuffed combat boots delicately touching the floor. she walks over to cheryl's bedpost, leaning against it with her shoulder, the absolute picture of an edgy teenager. “doctor keller.” she sneers. cheryl shrugs. “you don’t like him?”

toni thinks about it for a second, melted marshmallow lips moving as she bites the inside of her cheek. “the way you talk about him, he just sounds too curious. like he’s trying to prove something. he seems all... pink-purple-black.”

cheryl’s eyebrows furrow. “no, that was doctor glass.”

toni agrees with a hum, staring at cheryl with a deep sadness in her eyes. “that was when things were really bad. and you were blue-purple. jumbled up, like...” toni gestures vaguely, definitely forgetting the word. “confused.” cheryl supplies her, and she nods gratefully.

“wrinkled white cotton.” toni adds.

cheryl wrinkles her nose. “confused, but not lost. not like that.” “i meant scared.” she clarifies.

“oh.” she makes the connection quickly. white cotton, like jason's shirt that day at sweetwater river. of course.

“keller just doesn’t sit right with me,” toni shrugs, looks down at her feet, “maybe i knew him in a past life or something, but i don’t trust him. especially with him trying to convince you that i’m a ghost or something.”

"if you want, i could go book an appointment with doctor glass?" she suggests sarcastically, raising an eyebrow. toni's eyes widen immediately, and she rushes over to cheryl's spot on her bed. "cheryl- no. doctor glass, he hurt you."

"yes, i know. i was joking." cheryl says tiredly. toni shakes her head, grabbing pale hands and rubbing her thumbs over them. "don't joke about that, cheryl. don't even joke."

cheryl doesn't know why it's such a big deal to the girl, but she's just so infatuated with how toni's pink-orange-red mouth forms her name that she concedes.

-

“so, how is everything, cheryl?”

dr keller gestures to a large bowl of candy that sits on his desk in between his chair and the patient’s. cheryl finds it a little juvenile, but she supposes it’s better than laying down on a couch. she picks out a cherry dum-dum lollipop, rubbing it across her lips to make them as red as possible. in recent years, she’s stopped wearing the red lipstick that was practically her armor. this will do.

it reminds her of vixens practice, the sound of shoes squeaking on a gym floor, and cherry-stem tying contests with toni. toni always seemed to win those, and she’d croon “what’s wrong, cherry?” when cheryl’s face flushed bright red while imagining toni’s tongue doing other things.

she gives it a particularly obscene suck, just to check keller’s priorities.

he doesn’t respond, though, just stares blankly at cheryl as he waits for her to answer. he’s nothing like antagonizing doctor glass who’s temper was short and made liberal use of his hands when he needed to.

“i’ve been okay.”

“have you been reading?”

she shrugs. “i read flowers for algernon. it was all greens and blues, so it was easy other than the parts with the love interests. those were orange, barely legible, for whatever reason.” keller nods, thinks about that. “what did you think?”

she pauses. “i think it was wrong for him to take advantage of those women. especially the one who was his teacher before he became a genius. he just had sex with them out of nowhere, disregarding their emotions in a selfish attempt to cover up his own discomfort with himself.”

“his discomfort with himself that manifested in the form of a hallucination of a younger version of himself, if i’m remembering correctly?” doctor keller says it’s like it’s a two dimensional statement, blaring yellow, but cheryl knows exactly what he’s implying. she nods simply, looking for a topic to cut him off with. she’s not in the mood for this conversation.

her eyes trail to his hands, his steely wedding ring gone today. there’s bags under his eyes. “trouble with the wife, doctor?” she asks smartly.

he nods, waves it off. “cheryl, does thinking about sex make you uncomfortable?” “no.” she says after she ponders it for a second. “not at all. me and-“

she catches herself, words hanging on the tip of her tongue precariously. he’s waiting again. she hates when he waits. me and toni talk about it all the time, she finishes in her head. she’s uncomfortable with his stare. everything tastes like metal.

“your mother wants to start you on medication.”

cheryl rolls her eyes. “she thinks i’m crazy. she should look in the mirror.”

doctor keller laughs like that, his real, hearty laugh. she allows herself a small smile as well, glancing at the clock. suddenly, he leans forward, and cheryl jumps back so quickly that the lollipop rams into the roof of her mouth.

“oh, i’m sorry.” he says genuinely, leaning back in his chair in what’s probably an attempt to calm her down.

her heart is beating terrifyingly fast, the way gasoline smells filling her nostrils, and she takes the lollipop out of her mouth to try to focus on her breathing.

a moment passes. “i’m sorry, cheryl. i didn’t mean to scare you.”

“it’s okay.” she says, pleased that she didn’t say something only toni would understand. “my fault. i shouldn’t be so jumpy.”

keller shakes his head, crossing one leg over the other. “it’s justified. considering what happened to you with doctor glass.”

she nods curtly. all anyone ever talks about is doctor glass, it seems. she can’t grasp why it’s such a big deal. corrupt doctors get physical with patients all the time.

“he’d hit me. it’s whatever.”

the therapist pauses, pen suddenly screeching to a halt on the page.

“right?”

doctor keller acts like he didn’t hear her. “so, cheryl, other than reading, what have you been doing for fun?”

“i don’t really... do much for fun.”

the clock ticks quietly. she can’t really think of anything, her days consist of combing through the forest with toni. she finds something to say in that.

“we've been hanging out in the bunker, lately. the one that's supposedly haunted with the ghosts of those kids from the 80's-"

“yes, i'm familiar. what is the bunker like?”

a perpetual state of candle-lit warm lighting. her piano recital piece in eighth grade, slow and melancholy. toni’s comforting, low voice. “it’s cool, i guess.”

“who’s we?”

she rolls her eyes again, raising her eyebrows as pointedly as she can. “you know who, doctor.” “cheryl, your mother is really... not pleased with your h- with your mentions of toni.”

“who’s fault is that? i was never planning on telling her.”

“yes, i’ll let you have that,” he allows, “i’m just saying, maybe you should try harder to keep it to yourself. as soon as she walked in here today, she was ordering that she wants to have you put on risperdal.”

risperdal. “isn’t that an antipsychotic? does she not remember what happened last time i was put on those?”

he shrugs, sighing. “yes, those were a mistake. maybe you should try to find some common ground with her. make peace with her.”

“she should be trying to make peace with me. she treats me like a prisoner in my own home, and she wants to put me on drugs to get rid of my only friend? hell no.”

she bites off what’s left of the lollipop, crunching it between her teeth. “cheryl... toni-“

“isn’t real. toni’s a hallucination. she’s a delusion. yeah, doctor. you keep saying that. everyone keeps saying that. i know she’s real... and you’re not gonna change my mind.” she can practically hear toni telling her she was being too red-orange, too stubborn, too much like orange peels. she can’t bring herself to care.

he looks at her for a second before laughing incredulously, shaking his head and scrubbing a hand over his face. “yeah, cheryl. i’m starting to see that.”

-

“so what did you tell him about me?” toni asks later that day in the bunker. there’s a bed in it, and after toni put fresh sheets on it they declared it safe. she’s sprawled out on it right now, small frame not taking up much, and cheryl sits at the desk scribbling a picture of sweet water river. “he implied that you were a hallucination straight out of flowers for algernon.” she says blandly. “and i said, _yeah doc, you’re right!”_

“i’m serious! did you tell him about the cherry contests? what did you say about the bunker? did you tell him about how pink-red-orange you think i am? how you think i’m the prettiest girl you’ve ever seen?”

she rolls her eyes endearingly at toni’s teasing inquiry. “okay, okay, shut up! i didn’t tell him anything about you. i was just defending your existence, like i usually am.”

a moment passes. “cheryl.” toni says. her voice sounds different, a wave just large enough to knock cheryl off balance, distant police sirens. it alarms her to no end. “you know i’m real. right?” she grabs cheryl’s arm as if to prove her point, sitting up slightly. “you can see me? feel me?” the fact that toni’s so desperate about this makes her feel purple-red, and her palms get sweaty.

she doesn’t want toni to be upset, though, so she nods assuredly. “you’re real. i know you’re real. the universe has a law for me that reads, _‘cheryl blossom can’t have anything! we will feed her the lowly scraps of the bare minimum of surviving forever. get that pink bitch outta here!’_ ”

toni cackles, voice reverberating off the walls of the bunker, slapping cheryl in the arm lightly. eventually, when she’s done with her appreciation of cheryl’s joke, she kneels next to cheryl’s desk chair. “what are you drawing?”

“sweetwater, the day jason...”

toni nods solemnly, kissing cheryl’s shoulder. the contact is electric. “it’s starting to freeze over.”

“good. fuck that river.”

“fuck that river!” toni echoes enthusiastically, “you’re really pink-red-orange when you swear.”

cheryl’s face flushes. “i’m not.” she says quietly, smiling nonetheless as she adds a few cattails to the sides of the river.

“you so are.” toni insists. cheryl turns, finding their faces to be alarmingly close. “i- ah, i guess.” she stumbles over her words clumsily, the bandaids on her knees when she was five.

“the river. whenever i pass by it, i think of how you were after jason happened.” cheryl swallows, hard. “how was i?”

“blue-purple. confused. and... the letter m. a landslide. the way that blood tastes... and a lot of black.”

cheryl nods, understanding perfectly.

“i don’t ever wanna see you like that again. i hate blue.”

“fuck blue.” cheryl declares, coloring the sky above sweetwater a dark shade of grey.

“yeah. fuck blue.” toni agrees.

-

breakfast is always tense with penelope blossom. cheryl cautiously takes another pancake off the platter and cuts it, not even wanting to eat it. her stomach turns with hues of purple and red.

“have you been having your...delusions again, cheryl?”

“nope.” she lies easily. it tastes green-red-yellow coming off her tongue, like the cherry lollipop from last week with doctor keller. part of her says it’s sick that she enjoys lying to her mother, but the wretched woman deserves it.

“that’s good. keep it like that.” she says, almost proudly.

“yes, mother.” cheryl says as she slowly chews a bite of pancake, forcing it down.

“i want to put you on medication. you haven’t been sleeping.”

it’s true, but cheryl still resents her for it. “okay.”

-

“how do you feel?” toni says immediately as cheryl climbs down the ladder and into the bunker.

“wow, okay, who are you? doctor keller?”

toni rolls her eyes, gestures for cheryl to come sit on the bed with her. “i want to know how you feel. in the words you use with everyone else. normal. words."

cheryl hesitates, “you first.”

toni flicks her switchblade out, moves to the floor so she can carve something into the wooden bed frame. “E-U-P”

“euphoria?” cheryl guesses. toni feigns annoyance, shooting her a dirty look, “why do you have to be so smart? i just learned this shit today and i thought it would impress you.”

“no, toni, i’m thoroughly impressed, babe.”

the pet name slips out, it really does. neither of them expect it, and they stare at each other for a second before going back to the task at hand. “E-U-P-H-O-R-I-A” she spells, smiling crookedly when she’s done.

“what’s got you feeling so euphoric?” cheryl inquires as she moves down to the floor to be with the girl.

“i’m with you.” toni smiles, cocks her head, and her cotton candy hair falls to the side and into her face. cheryl laughs and brushes it out of her mouth. “how’s that hair taste?” she asks, chuckling.

“your turn, babe.” toni says with her riverbed rocks voice, pressing the cool metal of the handle into cheryl’s hand. it nips at her skin, snowflakes falling on eyelashes.

how _does_ she feel?

she starts with T, because toni is the only thing she can think of right now. then moves to think about words that start with T.

“c’mon, cheryl.” toni coaxes her softly, resting her chin on cheryl’s shoulder. her heart flutters.

“T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D”

“terrified.” it sounds better coming out of toni’s mouth, she thinks, “of...what?”

cheryl shrugs, studies the way her red hair is falling against her white blouse. “everything, i guess. what’s coming next.”

“cheryl. i’ve never known you to be someone scared of the future. what if the future is amazing to you, to us?”

“okay, i take it back, i’m not scared of the future-“

“you are! like you’re scared of medical needles. cher, the future is gonna be amazing to us. the future has something amazing in store for you. what if it’s the best thing ever?”

“what if it’s not?” cheryl scoffs, sitting back on her heels.

“what if it is?”

“what if it’s not?”

toni leans forward and grabs cheryl’s hands tightly. “but what if it is?”

and at the sight of toni’s perfect, beethoven sonata lips so close to her face, cheryl just goes for it. “can i...” she doesn’t even get to finish her question before toni is surging forwards, grabbing her face and pulling her in gently.

the sound of a key sliding into a lock. crushed red velvet. a babbling brook running over a smooth bed. the feeling that this is exactly where cheryl blossom is supposed to be.

“cher.” toni mumbles, pulling cheryl up and into the bed, cheryl’s back being pushed into the solid cushion. “you’re beautiful.” cheryl says softly as toni’s hair falls around her face, a quiet cave for lovers only. “you’re not too bad yourself, baby.” toni mumbles, kissing her again and again until their lips tingle.

“toni... more-“

toni obeys, cupping cheryl’s cheek for a second and gazing deeply into her eyes before she unbuttons cheryl’s blouse.

it falls off of her easily, exposing so much pale skin that toni’s hungry eyes wander over her, positively starving. small, tan hands reach out tentatively and wander over cheryl’s torso, feeling her ribs one by one before trailing up to her breasts and brushing her thumbs over pink nipples.

gentle. her hands are so fucking gentle. the sound of a little bird stretching its tired wings and ruffling its feathers before flying off.

it’s hot in here, suddenly, and cheryl is arching her back off of the bed, and it reminds her singing london bridge with jason when they were five.

“how are you feeling?” toni says quietly, fingers poised to unbutton cheryl’s jeans.

“fuck.” cheryl says simply, wanting to tell toni about london bridge and the little bird but it won’t come out.

toni unbuttons her pants, dragging them down to her knees and kissing all across her thighs. “you’re so beautiful, cher, you’re gorgeous.” toni mumbles, practically devouring every inch of skin she can find. cheryl just nods, pulls her own panties down hoping it’ll give toni a clue.

“already?” toni says quietly, “i can-?”

“toni, you can do _whatever._ ” cheryl says throatily, and toni practically dives between cheryl’s legs, a warm tongue coming up to swipe between her folds. all cheryl can think is that she had no idea it would feel like that.

“oh, toni- fuck, fuck, please-“

and she’s not even sure what she’s asking for, but she gets it when toni puts one leg up on her shoulder for better access.

-

when she gets home that day, she sits at her piano and plays a warm rainbow, sonata after sonata. everything she can think of, because she just feels so inspired and yellow and pink that it's bursting out of her.

-

“how are you, cheryl?” dr. keller asks, and she smiles dreamily. “i’m really good, actually.” she says quietly, unwrapping a cherry jolly rancher and popping it into her mouth.

“does this sudden happiness have to do with toni?”

cheryl stares at him. does it? does she know?

“no. just... fulfilling my potential, i guess. i’ve been reading more.”

that distraction works, his blue-green-black eyes hungrily searching her face for emotion. “reading what?”

“the bible. daniel 6. almost entirely red, but some parts were blue and green and yellow. ugh, the yellow. the print is so small, i might as well have been reading invisible ink.”

“yes, we've... got to figure out what to do about your visuals. was the risperdal working for that, at least?”

cheryl rolls her eyes. “the risperdal made me colorblind. i might as well have been a dog.”

he pauses at that, but decides to drop it. “daniel 6... daniel in the den of the lions...” dr. keller used to be a pastor. “what do you find interesting about that?”

“the theme of divine intervention, especially at the end. daniel believed in the lord so much, he stayed in the tower with the lions and had no fear. how could someone... believe in something that much, that they’d put themselves in such great danger? what if god hadn’t intervened? would he have still believed?” she realizes that she sounds a little frantic as she’s saying this, but she needs reassurance.

dr keller nods, scribbles a bit on his legal pad before moving his hand to his desk drawer. “cheryl...” he says sensitively, like cheryl is a wounded animal. it makes her nervous, but she relaxes when she realizes that he's just pulling out his prescription pad. “i’m writing you a prescription for ativan. not an antipsychotic. just a sleep aid. google it, if you’d like.”

she doesn’t even try to fight him on that. she’s so constantly tired, the long nights of staying up talking to toni in hushed whispers are really starting to take a toll on her body.

he prints “CHERYL BLOSSOM” on the name line, writes what looks like a few loops in the medicine section, and rips it off and hands it to her. “keep thinking about daniel. food for thought.”

“food for thought.” she concurs.

-

“have you ever read the bible? daniel 6?”

toni stares at her strangely, like cheryl’s grown a third head. “i’ve... never had the time. why?”

“daniel... the king said everyone had to pray to him, but daniel prayed to god instead. they threw him in a den of lions as punishment, and daniel believed so much that god sent an angel to close the jaws of the lions. daniel didn’t even know if god was truly out there, but he was willing to risk his life for him.”

toni’s eyes scan her face quickly, and she grabs both of cheryl’s hands in hers. “what do you think about that?” cheryl asks quietly.

“i think... i think that daniel was right to stand up for what he believed in. i think it was risky, but it worked out in his favor. most of all... i think daniel knew that god was real. or else he wouldn’t have done it. it's good food for thought."

they look at each other for a long moment, the double meaning of the story sinking in. “i’d risk my life for you.” cheryl says simply.

“yeah. me too.” toni laughs a little and kisses her.

-

her mother watches her like a goddamn hawk to make sure she’s taking her meds. they help her sleep, yes, but toni is annoyed with all the time that they’re losing.

“i miss you, cher.” she says one day as they’re throwing their tied cherry stems into sweetwater river. cheryl's actually working on her last one, mouth contorting in what must be the ugliest faces as she manipulates the little stem into a knot, but she knows that toni doesn't care.

“i miss you too..." she says when she's done, "i’ll start flushing them when i have the chance.” toni nods, smiles a little. “you know why we’re throwing these in the river, right?”

cheryl shakes her head, sure that this is the setup to a corny joke that toni will undoubtedly laugh at for twenty minutes.

“for jason.” she says softly. cheryl feels like she has the wind knocked out of her, and she suddenly wants to cry.

“he would’ve loved you.” she smiles, blinking away happy tears as she throws another cherry stem knot into the current. toni was right, it’s freezing over quickly, but a tsunami couldn’t keep them away from their spot.

“i have that effect on people.” toni jokes, and cheryl rolls her eyes and shoves her playfully.

-

her mother walks by the bathroom as she’s flushing her meds, but she’s able to get up and stand in front of the mirror to feign taking them as the toilet flushes, throwing her head back dramatically as she claps an empty palm to her mouth. her mother hangs in the doorway, arms crossed, all sharp edges.

“let me see. open up, child.” she says coldly, and cheryl internally smiles as she opens her mouth wide to show that she hasn't stuffed the pills in her cheeks. _go ahead, search me,_ she thinks, _there’s no way you’re finding shit in there._

-

“everything’s so blue-black. like, all the fucking time. it’s so depressing. i’m thinking about labeling my house as ‘ _the monochrome home’_.” toni shakes her head, gazing distractedly at the walls of the bunker. "seriously, i can't stand it. the only time i feel anything else is when i’m with you, cher.”

she looks like a painting, cheryl thinks. her jacket is loosely draped across her shoulders, clinging precariously to her small frame, which is perched on the pillow of the bed. “i know.” she states simply, and she knows it’s the wrong thing when toni looks at her, eyes blazing with red, the taste of metal filling her mouth.

“what the hell did you just say?”

cheryl stammers for a second. “i- well, you talk about it a lot, i mean, it must be hard for you, i get it-“

toni laughs, her lips tugged up into that cruel switchblade smile of hers. “you get it. okay. listen, cheryl, here’s the thing- you don’t get it.” she stands up, hands gesturing wildly.

cheryl tries to save herself again, feeling cold water rush around her and pull her away with the current, “i'm sorry, toni.”

toni snorts, runs her hand through her pink cotton candy floss and faces cheryl. “you know what it’s like to have to make money for four hungry mouths to feed? you know what it’s like to have to explain to your younger siblings that mommy spends all her money on meth so she can sit on the couch like a vegetable for hours and daddy is constantly getting wasted? cheryl, do you know what it’s like to stand in the doorway of your house, looking up at a man who’s a foot taller than you and trying to tell him he can’t come in because he’s drunk and all his other kids are afraid of him? when you have to drape your body over all your younger siblings so they don’t get hit? literally a human fucking shield? y’know what it’s like for a grown man to hit you with all the rage and liquor in his system? i don’t think you do. and let me tell you something, cheryl-“

she gets dangerously close to cheryl’s face, not touching her, just hovering. “it. fucking. hurts.” she says through gritted switchblade teeth.

cheryl is openly crying at this point, tears flowing down her cheeks, like when- “toni, i’m so sorry, i didn’t mean it.”

toni laughs in the meanest way, and cheryl feels like someone scooped out her insides with a cold metal spoon.

“that’s all you can say?”

she flips the switchblade out, walking past cheryl and towards the exit to the bunker as she buries the knife into the wall with a grunt of frustration. she retrieves it right after, pulling her jacket tighter around her and completely ignoring cheryl’s pleads for her to come back.

-

the candy bowl practically glares at her, but cheryl can’t bring herself to take anything today. she can’t even remember the last time she ate over the past week, too eaten up with guilt and anger and sadness and missing toni and and tumultuous feelings that turn in her stomach, all sorts of purple-red.

“you look upset, cheryl.”

“i am upset.” she says incredulously, and keller leans forward quickly with no warning. she doesn’t flinch this time. she feels like she’s underwater, and keller’s words just float around above the surface. she only starts listening when she hears the name “toni”, smiling a little.

“has something happened with you and toni?” he says gently, probing her. she can’t bring herself to care, still studying the candy bowl that’s very interesting right now.

she reaches in, picks out a mini twix. she turns it over in her hands.

“i didn’t know you liked those.” keller notes, clearly fishing for conversation.

“oh, yeah, they’re, um... toni’s...favorite.”

she breaks down, slumping into the stupid 70’s armchair sitting in front of keller’s desk and crying until she feels like her throat is gonna close. “cheryl? cheryl!” he says, but it’s not reaching her.he doesn’t try to touch her, which she appreciates, but doctor keller isn’t what she needs right now.

“i... i need to go.” she covers quickly, grabbing her purse. “i’ll be okay, doc, i just need to go fix something. i need to go talk to her.”

as much as she wants to storm out, she can’t. she waits by the door for him to approve her sudden departure. curse her knack for listening to authority.

he sighs, twisting his wedding band how he does when he’s stressed. “jesus... okay. come back tomorrow, cheryl, at 12. don’t forget your meds.”

 she nods quickly, and then she’s out the door.

-

she searches for toni for two fucking hours, first checking all their spots and then just combing the rest of the forest looking for her. she’s nowhere to be found. cheryl goes home, eats the twix that’s been sitting in her pocket, and falls into a restless sleep upset and tangled in her sheets.

-

she stops by 7/11 before therapy, the little bell above the doorway singing a birdsong as she comes in, and picks up a twix, a cherry coke, and a bottle of extra strength migraine relief.

one thing for toni, one thing for her, and one thing she needs _because_ of toni.

-

“how was yesterday?” keller asks before she’s even done sitting down. he’s chipping away at her walls, which is annoyingly effective, because cheryl can’t even find it in herself to lie.

“i couldn’t find toni.”

“hm.” he hums, and she can just hear the _you can't find people who don't exist_ resting on his tongue. she doesn’t let him get the chance.

“she was probably at home, with her siblings. her dad works weekdays, so he gets drunk and then comes home.”

keller spins around in his chair, uncrossing his legs. whoops, cheryl thinks, overcompensated. “does toni’s father... does he hit her?”

“yes... why?”

keller writes that down.

“tell me about toni, cheryl. who is she? what is she? where does she come from?” what is toni?

she’s... everything that might be. she’s a mystery. she’s old as time and forever young, the picture of a rebellious teen who’ll never grow up, a peter pan storybook with pages that turn loudly. she’s a flame, she’s fire, she’s a forest fire that burns up in a massive blaze but she’s also the rain that puts it out.

“toni is... 17, like me. she lives somewhere around here.” (the fact that she doesn’t know where toni lives makes her so uneasy, but she doesn’t mention that.) “somewhere on the southside. but she’s not like southside people, she’s... different. she’s sweet.”

“what does she look like?” keller asks, looking at her with his glacier eyes. suddenly, she’s very cold.

“she’s short, shorter than me and probably you too. comes up to-“ she pauses and raises a hand to her collarbone, “here. her hair’s pink, but it’s fading right now so it looks like cotton candy. when she dyes it fresh, it’s like an eraser. she doesn’t like it neon pink. her eyes, they’re brown but not dark brown. i missed those the most when the medicine...”

“blocked out your visuals. don't worry, we're not putting you on any antipsychotics. never again. what else?” keller suggests, looking incredibly interested.

“her teeth are sharp, but not weird sharp. she has a switchblade that reminds me of her teeth. she dresses... edgy, but not an over the top kind of edgy. just enough.” she pauses, knowing she’s forgetting something. “she just looks dangerous. if she were a note on my piano, she’d be a perfect g sharp.” she hums the note to demonstrate. “biting. anxious. exciting.”

keller sighs, leans back in his chair and sets down his pen. cheryl didn’t even notice that he’d been writing, but there’s a long list of bullet points that she’s guessing is everything she just said. “cheryl?” he starts. “what kind of relationship do you and toni have?”

“i... we’re best friends.” who had sex, she adds in her head. “are you sure you’re just best friends?”

and god, it dawns on her slowly. what she's already been subconsciously thinking, but she hasn't admitted it to herself yet.

of course she's in love with toni. of course she's in love with a girl who may or may not be real.

“oh shit.” she says quietly, and keller’s expression and tone is yellow as he says “cheryl... have you and toni had sex?” how the hell did he know?

guilt washes over her like a wave. “yes.”

he visibly slumps in his chair, pinching the bridge of his nose. cheryl notices that he's not wearing his wedding band again today. “oh god.” he says, resigned, the fall of a building, the crash of a natural disaster.

“why? why, is that bad? i could feel her, it was real, i know it was-"

“cheryl. doctor glass, he... i need to get your mother in here. hang on.”

so she sits as he dials her mother, and waits in silence with her chin on her knees and her arms wrapped around her legs as she tries not to hyperventilate. “we had sex.” she says after about ten minutes, according to the clock that ticks accusingly at her, “and she had been moody ever since. we got in a fight yesterday.”

“did she hit you?” keller asks urgently. “no.”

“did it hurt? when you two..."

“no. not at all. should it have?”

“no, cheryl, not at all, just-“

penelope blossom walks in with her lips pursed and head held high.

“you called?”

keller beckons her over, explains the situation into her ear in a hushed whisper, and all cheryl can do is watch as her face contorts in rage.

oh god. oh, god. she’s never going to see toni again, and it’s all she wants right now, to be wrapped in toni’s arms and safe from the world, from her mother.

her mother, who looks about ready to kill.

“cheryl.” she says curtly, turning towards her. “please, penelope, have a seat.” keller suggests, but she shakes her head sharply. “no thank you, tom. i won’t be staying for long. cheryl, doctor glass was a child molester. he raped you, repeatedly, during your time with him as your therapist. we decided not to press charges because he provided us with a large sum of money in exchange for our silence, a sum of money that has been paying for thorn hill since your father’s... unfortunate death. it would've never been a problem, if not for your rapidly deteriorating mental health."

her eyes flicker between keller and her mother. keller looks utterly destroyed. her mother’s eyes are cold, like always.

“get in the car, cheryl.”

she's never hated her name more.

keller takes his palms off of his eyes to look at her, eyebrows knitted together in worry, “cheryl, toni... she’s not real. she’s not. i’m sorry, but she’s not. she was a coping mechanism, to help you deal with all that’s happened to you, all that...”

but cheryl can’t even hear them anymore. she’s trying to keep the pieces from connecting in her head, but it’s not working. it’s all clicking.

of course toni was a coping mechanism, a hallucination, because when had she ever seen anyone like toni before she transferred to homeschool and fell into depression?

god, now that she thinks about it, she doesn’t even know toni’s full name.

black washes over her, crawls up her throat, and she’s dizzy and lightheaded and heavy all over at the same time. keller keeps talking as her world crashes down around her for the nth time in the past few years.

toni, the bunker... none of it was real. none of it was ever real. the metaphorical lions from daniel 6 circle around her feet, because she's the fool who's been believing in something that doesn't exist.

food for thought...

“the food was poisoned.” she whispers as she passes out.

-

she wakes up in her car, penelope driving but not looking particularly happy about it. in fact, her face morphs into a scowl when she sees cheryl turn her head.

“i expect you to have your belongings packed in your suitcase in exactly an hour. i’m going to book your flight when we get home. i’m going to check what you packed before you leave.”

as cheryl’s looking at her, she can see a tear slip down her cheek. what the hell does she have to cry for?

“where?” cheryl says softly, not really trusting her voice to say anything more. the word comes out broken, shattered glass on the floor. her throat hurts.

“somewhere they’ll fix you, cheryl.”

oh _hell_ no.

she considers throwing herself out of the car, but decides against it. too much risk. instead, she waits until they get home and slips into her room. “don’t move.” penelope practically commands her from the doorway as she goes off to make a call, probably to send cheryl to fucking kenya or hong kong or antarctica. wherever they keep pariahs. wherever they keep girls who hallucinate entire people.

naturally, as soon as her mother leaves, cheryl slips out the window with nothing but her phone and the twix, downing a migraine relief pill dry on her way out.

-

she finds toni sitting in the bunker, drawing a large landscape from a photo that she took of pop’s. “hi.” cheryl speaks cautiously, scared toni will turn on her like a rabid dog. even more scared that she’ll disappear without a trace.

“hey.” toni smudges the graphite with her finger, “are you okay?”

cheryl can feel herself instantly relax at the sound of her voice, ice melting into a puddle.

“i should be asking you that, i think.” cheryl chuckles, “you’re very blue... black, purple. i can feel it.”

“not anxious.” she grumbles, smudging the pencil a little tougher to create angry clouds. “boiling water.” cheryl adds, hoping it’ll clarify.

“oh.” toni says knowingly, turning in the chair and looking up so she can face cheryl. “it’s okay. we’re good now. none of that.”

cheryl nods a little, touching toni’s cheek just because she can. the girl leans into the touch, and cheryl’s heart leaps. oh, yes. this is her girl. this is it for her, no matter how many people try to convince her that she’s not real.

“you are the most important person in my life. and i am so-“ she almost says sorry, but she doesn’t want to set toni off again, so she shakes her head slightly and kisses her.

she sits down on the bed, and toni goes back to drawing. “i brought you something.” cheryl says suddenly, as she almost forgot. toni looks over and quirks an eyebrow as cheryl slides the candy out of her jacket pocket.

“oh shit, i’ve been craving one of these!” toni exclaims happily, kissing cheryl quickly and tearing into it with the animosity of a starving grizzly bear. cheryl’s heart soars, pink-red-yellow hues filling up her brain.

“thank you, cher. sorry i disappeared on you, by the way, i was busy with my siblings. today dad’s home and sober, so i came here. i knew you’d find me.”

cheryl shrugs it off with a light smile. “you really did disappear on me. for a second, i thought...”

toni’s ever-expressive eyes narrow slightly, as she swallows another bite of twix. “you thought... what?”

“y’know.”

toni does know. she can see it in her eyes. “you thought they might be right?” she moves forward in her chair, and cheryl doesn’t even flinch. “i’m right here, cheryl... i’m alive. flesh and blood. you can feel this?” she suddenly pinches cheryl, pale skin coming up between tan fingers.

“okay, ow. yes, toni, i know, but... what if i’m going crazy? keller, he told me a lot of things today. he told me about doctor glass. and he explained that you might be a-“ the look on toni’s face almost steals the air out of her lungs, but she fights to keep talking, she has to get this out, “a coping mechanism, to get over what i repressed-“

“cheryl, i’m real!” she blurts out, practically screaming and slamming her hand down on her thigh. cheryl gives her a withering look. no, you’re not, is what she says in her head, but she just sighs and glances at the exit to the bunker. “i’m sorry... do you wanna go on a walk? we’re always in here.” toni suggests, sounding utterly exhausted.

cheryl thinks about that for a second. “are you really here with me?” she asks quietly, growing more and more uneasy by the second.

“cheryl... you have to calm down. you’re too-“ “too what?

toni falters at that, running a hand through her hair as she searches for the words, “the wave painting by that artist, with the yellow-H name, g sharp on your piano.”

“hokusai.” cheryl supplies her. “i feel g sharp. not exciting, though. scared.”

“you need air.” toni insists, moving to sit on the bed with her, not too close but not too far. “cheryl, i’m not just in your head, i’m here.”

“you’re a hallucination.” cheryl insists.

“one that kisses you?”

cheryl just shrugs at that, feeling her face contort into a pained expression. she can’t even bring herself to look at toni as she says, “i feel like i’m gonna throw up.”

“cheryl-“

“this isn’t... you’re not-“

“cheryl, please! i love you, cher, i’m in love with you, you can’t just throw this away! think about how this is affecting me!”

“toni! you’re not-“

“i am!”

“am not!”

“am too!”

“cheryl, just stop and _listen_ to me!”

“not real! not real! not real!”

they go on like that for who knows how long, cheryl’s hands clamped over her ears like a child as she screams at toni that she’s not real, none of this is real, and she’s so sure that she’s going crazy right now-

toni’s palm is almost cold against her cheek when it comes barreling at her, full force.

they look at each other for a second after the slap, dumbfounded.

“cher-" toni starts, but cheryl doesn’t even let her finish before she’s scrambling up the ladder to the speakeasy. “shit, cheryl, i'm so-

"fuck you!” she shouts at the top of her lungs, her throat raw and scratchy.

“cheryl, come back!"

-

no one notices that she left. no one notices when she comes home. she just lays in bed crying for who knows how long until she has to succumb to exhaustion. she feels dirty.

-

her little vacation gets postponed for a day. apparently, because even the finest airline companies can’t book a flight to sweden for the next day without some sort of complication.

cheryl keeps to herself. not enough to raise suspicion, but enough to keep herself from going crazy. she listens to her mother talk about the sisters of quiet mercy like it’s a ski resort with a little religion mixed in, but cheryl knows the truth. it’s probably an asylum, or conversion therapy, or worse.

is there worse? she thinks to herself as she showers with the hottest water possible, then almost laughs at the thought. of course there’s worse. there’s always worse for cheryl blossom.

she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror and it terrifies her. her eyes are puffy and her skin is pink from the scalding hot water. nail marks are starting to form where she got a little too carried away with the scrubbing. she isn’t even sure what she’s trying to wash away.

she looks crazy. “what’s that saying about the inside matching the outside?” she mutters to herself as she dries off.

when she gets back in her room, the grandfather clock announces that it’s already 4 pm. she’s running out of time to make her escape.

more than anything, she fucking misses toni. her chest is a chasm. she feels like b flat and nails on a chalkboard. she decides that she'll try one more time to find toni. and she decides a foolproof method to end her pain that she's been thinking about for a while, in the event that she doesn't. somewhere in her subconscious, she knows that toni's gone, but she shoves it down.

when her mother travels to the other side of the house to check up on nana rose, she knows it’s time.

she puts on her white dress methodically, tugging on a hoodie and sweatpants over it to protect her from the cold. she doesn’t bother drying her hair fully. it won’t matter soon.

she pulls on some random nikes she uses to jog in before flinging open her window and sprinting as fast as her legs will carry her.

sweetwater river really is starting to freeze over. the ice cracks a little under her weight, even though she's running on the seam between the ice and the shore, and she practically dares it to fucking break.

eventually, she gets to where she’s going, right to the oak tree she's seen countless times. if you squint, you might be able to see two twins in matching white outfits, about to take a leap of faith. if you squint, you’d be able to see the outline of two lovers in the dirt, laughing and tying cherry stems without a care in the world.

would it be two? or just one?

she sprints right past it, not even sure where shes going. “toni!” she screams, and it tears out of her so sickeningly, but so satisfyingly that she just keeps screaming. “where are you, toni?! i get it now, i promise! please, where are you?”

toni doesn’t answer. no one does, except for the birds that fly off at the sound of her begging.

she stumbles, but doesn’t fall, and quickly spins around to glance accusingly at the object of her tripping.

the entrance to the bunker.

and as she looks at it, it’s wooden doors, she comes to one last realization.

she’s screaming for toni to come back, but toni was never here. toni never talked to her, kissed her, made love to her, laughed with her- the memories play in her head like the toy jason had when they were little where you’d look through the viewfinder and flick through the pictures.

toni was never here, and cheryl is just a crazy bitch who created the most intricate fantasy of all time.

crazy, just like everyone at riverdale high accused her of being during sophomore year. crazy, like her mother has called her too many times to count.

“fuck!” she screams, starting to taste blood collecting at the back of her throat but not bringing herself to care as she falls to her knees. “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!”

she’s starting to think she might just explode. she threads her fingers through her hair (like toni didn’t, because she’s not real-) and pulls as hard as she can, because the reality is seeping in through every opening of her body and chilling her to her bones. she wants to crawl out of her skin so badly.

“please.” she sobs brokenly, “please please please. where are you, i need you, i get it now, i promise, toni, please!”

toni doesn’t answer, and cheryl’s nails are the only thing that’s real right now, scratching at her cheeks and her forehead and relishing in the way her fingers come back dripping red. it hurts, god, it hurts, but she’s laughing because isn’t this just great? isn’t this the most alive that she’s felt in years?

everything’s going blue and black and red and cheryl is dirty. cheryl is crazy. cheryl is lamenting memories that never existed, bleeding from self-inflicted wounds, and the straw that breaks the camel’s back is a lone cherry stem knot sitting innocently in the grass by the bunker.

she picks it up, puts it in her pocket and makes her way back over to the lake, tearing her hair out all the way there to keep herself grounded. she might just float away if she stops.

she walks all the way out to the middle of the lake before shedding her shoes, hoodie and sweatpants, folding them neatly and throwing them somewhere among the ice to be found.

the ice isn’t as thick as it can be, but it’s thick enough that she can’t break it with her bare foot, so she starts pounding away with her fists.

the sun is starting to go down, and the sky is turning all kinds of pretty shades of grey and pink. toni’s favorite kind of sunset. her heart clenches.

“i’m real, why aren’t you?” she screams to the ice and the sky and toni, who isn’t around to hear. “why! aren’t! you! real!” she slams her little fists into the ice with every word, feeling her nails break and watching blood turn the water red but not really caring. there’s blood everywhere, it seems, it’s collecting at the back of her throat and staining her hands and the ice.

she understands what toni means now, about everything being blue and black. “this isn’t _fair._ ” she sobs brokenly, voice a fraction of what it used to be, as she lets herself slump one more time as she inhales precious air through burning lungs. a rest before the main event. a kiss of life before dying.

once the ice is broken enough, she stands on shaky legs long gone numb and steps into her little area of what might as well be shards of glass.

she swears, in the moment before she’s swallowed up by the icy water, that she sees her girl standing on the shore and waving at her.

-

the ceremony is quiet. shameful, almost. family members tentatively mourning the twin they never really knew that was doomed from the tragedy at sweetwater, and unabashedly asking about the will, who’s acquiring what. doctor keller looks incredibly out of place. he keeps fidgeting with the tan line on his ring finger before realizing nothing is there and casting glances at the front of the room.

a coffin sits at the head of the room, holding a frail little body with skin too pale and bruised hands.

“would anyone like to say words honoring the life of cheryl marjorie blossom?” penelope doesn’t offer anything. neither do any of the other relatives.

they’re about to continue when the door slams open, then shut. everyone turns, and a messy-looking girl with pink hair (and switchblade teeth and melted marshmallow lips and a loose gravel voice and g-sharp on cheryl's piano) stares back at them.


End file.
